Call of Duty: Black Ops Gameplay Moves To Your Favorite Video Games

Posted on November 11, 2010

Call of Duty: Black Ops Gameplay Moves To Your Favorite Video Games

With the release this week of Call of Duty: Black Ops, we’re already looking to expand the idea to other games. The idea that there are those who work behind the lines to make sure that we’re safe, while their lives have been co-opted, Men In Black style, to a point where they no longer exist, it made us think that there were certain other games that might be a little better off with some Black Ops attention, as well. To that end, we’re here to present five games that would be all the better with the subtitle, Black Ops.

Kirby’s Epic Yarn: Black Ops

Yeah, he looks all cute and cuddly, until you’re not paying attention, at which time Kirby becomes the most elite hunter the U.S. government has ever known. To you, his whole world looks just like yarn. To Kirby, it’s a complicated series of wires and timed traps that need diffusing before the arrival of a visiting dignitary. Whether it’s a plot to drop anthrax in the water system, or just a simple biochemical agent to be released into the atmosphere at a yarn-based subway station, Kirby is dedicated to keeping the word safe from harm, until his sleeper cell brainwashing kicks in. All of this, of course, is disguised in the form of a sweet little adventure. Don’t be fooled. Kirby is deadly effin’ serious.

John Daly’s ProStroke Golf: Black Ops

Black Ops: John Daly is the most dangerous man in American politics today. The series of mini-games that lay over the original ProStroke Golf proves it. Those pants you’ve been making fun of all these years? Yeah, well, they’re part of one of the most sophisticated psychological weapons ever known to mankind. Just looking at them for a couple of moments will cause even the most grizzled terrorist give up all his secrets. Making deals on the back nine, eliminating competition by drinking them under the table, James Bond style, and engaging in golf cart races complete with drive-by shootings show you just how tough a sport golf can really be. Grip it, rip it, and drop a suitcase bomb on it just for good measure. Also, I have three words for you. Explosive Titleist Balls. ‘Nuff said.

My Boyfriend: Black Ops

In My Boyfriend: Black Ops you play as Jasmine, the most popular girl in school. Jasmine is perfect in every way: great body, great hair, great personality. So perfect in fact, that the CIA has contracted her as a super secret undercover agent in charge of stopping relationships that will be dangerous to American ideals in the future. That’s right: the CIA has the ability to time travel and they’ve pinpointed seven high school couples who grow up to wreak havoc on the United States government. They must be stopped before they can get married and team up to do things like campaign against big oil companies, educate people about the dangers of global warming, protect a woman’s right to choose and write evolution textbooks.

As Jasmine, you lead her on a series of quests to break up each couple. Will you successfully be able to plant a naked picture of Kelly Clarkson in Jared’s locker so that Maddie will break up with him? That will test your photoshop skills. Can you convince Cormack that Madison has herpes? How’s your negotiation stat? You haven’t lived until you’ve had to sneak into the biology lab and rig a bunsen burner to fry off all of Alyssa’s hair so that Jayden won’t love her anymore. The fate of the America that we know and love hangs in the balance. It’s up to you to save the USA in My Boyfriend: Black Ops.

Tetris: Black Ops

You might think you know¬†Tetris, but you haven’t seen anything yet! Russia’s (arguably) greatest contribution to gaming is back with Tetris: Black Ops. In this game, all the pieces are black. The background is black. In fact, the whole screen is black. Tetris is way too easy if you can actually see the pieces. You have to use the special Tetris: Black Ops edition night vision goggles (sold separately) to even get a glimpse of what pieces are dropping and when. Oh, and did we mention that the pieces will drop in from the sides and bottom of the screen too? Yeah, that’s right. Where do they go and how do they fit together? The makers of the game don’t even know, but they’ve all been killed anyway so it doesn’t matter.

So, buckle the f**k up, because this is the most hardcore Tetris game yet. But, it gets better. When you first pop in Tetris: Black Ops, your console will ping the KGB (yeah, it still exists) command center with all of your personal information, including your address, social security number, mother’s maiden name and your favorite middle school teacher. Then, highly trained Russian operatives will be dispatched to hunt you down. That is unless you’re able to complete a Tetris before they parachute onto your roof and turn your living room carpet into a blood sponge. It’s Tetris, bitches! And this time, it’s for effin’ real!

Paperboy: Black Ops

Everyone knows that the number one target for terrorists is the American heartland, and that’s why in Paperboy: Black Ops, you’ll be charged with defending a state that no one likes, even the people who live there. You control Paperboy, a well-meaning, career-minded, red-blooded American kid, just trying to earn an honest living by delivering his hometown newspaper to houses with subscriptions in a peaceful neighborhood where everyone drives a generic looking VW Bug.

However, the bicycle action in this game will make the snowmobile sequences from Modern Warfare 2 look like a bad episode of Scooby-Doo. ¬†Nothing says extreme warfare like a bike that your mom bought for you! Instead of dodging improbable suburban dwellers like Conan O’Brien lookalikes on skateboards, crazy housewives with knives, and ghosts, you’ll be doing battle against the most sophisticated military minds on the planet who have access to the entire arsenal of modern weaponry, while you will only have your badass bike and your limited supply of newspapers.

Get ready to break some windows, dissolve tombstones, and bust some skulls in Paperboy: Black Ops.

What game would you like to insert some Black Ops into? I’d hope we could see some secret missions in the old west, so give me Red Dead: Black Ops. What about you?



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Categories: Game News, Game Secrets

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